Not Quite There

I have been searching to be searched for. I've been looking for value from man. Extreme value. For a church to be my Shepherd and notice when I was lost. Not to chase me. Just one glance over the land looking to see if I could be found. No one searched.
I was looking for the wrong Shepherd. The Lord my God has kept me in his herd all along. Has loved me and cared for me. And when I realized this, He gave me a church that noticed me. A church that longed for His heart and tries to love His people the way they know He loved them. So, I no longer want to be searched for. I now want to search for Him. Know Him more. Love Him more. Know, truly know, how much He loves me.
Obstacles will arise and the evil one will still tempt. Long have I felt unworthy and struggle with a sense of belonging even though I know full well I belong. I attend church faithfully and have even begun to read the bible again. The goal is to WANT to want only Jesus and to be satisfied in knowing His love for me.
My attempts at christian relationships have become less important to me than they once were. My desire is to cease the need for pleasing people and begin a new path of only trying to please my God. Unfortunately, I have many sins and weaknesses to overcome.
Several accusations of misinterpreting scripture at my pure aspirations of trying to comprehend send a type of discouragement that not only blocks my spiritual path with an annoying boulder but also drives me to investigate why I can be wrong so often and rarely ever correct. Is my prayer life inadequate? Does the Lord not hear me? Has my personal sin kept me from hearing the Lord or understanding His word? Or am I on the right paths more frequently than I'm led to believe just so that I doubt myself? I'm not sure. This life is certainly harder the second go-round than it was the first time I fell in love with Christ.
I will continue on. I can't say I'm passionate or even excited about the journey. But I hope to be. I want to lead a life that is attractive to others. Especially to my little girl.
Holy Spirit, I pray for understanding of scripture. Jesus, I pray to be hungry for prayer. And Lord, give me the maturity I need to be active in fellowship.

Heaven's Not that Far

Two years have past and it hardly seems like that long. I know most people deal with death and loss and great sadness, yet it still feels so lonely. I share a number of siblings that feel the same way I do, but there I find no comfort. I miss you more than I thought I would. I want to call you when the Bears blow big games and I want to avoid your phone calls when the Cubs disappoint me. But my phone doesn't ring. It's obvious I miss you. I just didn't imagine it would hurt this much for this long. I'm having surgery at the end of March and I want you to be there. I want you to drive me to the hospital and complain about the way Indiana drivers commute. I want to sit in the surgical waiting area with you by my side prepared, as always, with the latest gossip magazines to keep me busy. We won't even thumb through them as we would be sitting around making fun of various wardrobe choices or bad hair-doe's on others as they pass by or accompany us in waiting. You'll tell me a lame joke. One you've told me more than fifteen times with your mouth wide open as you give the punch line with a gleeful heart and a non-nervous attitude. When the hospital staff comes by you would walk with me as far as they would let you and you'd kiss my forehead making sure I knew that you'd be there when I was through. My heart is so sad today. But in the instance my eyes fill I am reminded of my fortunes. No. You will not be there in the way that I long for you, but because you helped give me life, I was able to help create another life. My little miracle, my daughter, my Autumn. So many times she looks at me with this sarcastic little attitude she MUST have gotten from her grandfather. Her stubbornness is one only copied from you and the way she holds her mouth wide open when she tells her toddler jokes is all too familiar. Oh how you would love her. Your mother tells me she sees you in that gorgeous child and can't keep her own tears from falling. For now I will end the evening by going into my baby's room. I will cover her up and put her favorite giraffe where she can find it in the night. I will sweep the hair from her face and kiss her on the forehead. I will see her tomorrow. I will wake up refreshed and I will go to work. I will hold you close to my soul until I am blessed enough to see you again, where I know you will be waiting for me.

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Surgery

The pain is intense, but not as intense as what brought me to this sterile environment in the first place. Loaded with the baggage of past doctors not taking me seriously, and a carry-on of nerves that this new doctor will look at me the same way. Off I went to the main entrance of St. Anthony's in Crown Point. Accompanying me to the surgical waiting area was my mother-in-law and her sister-in-law I know as Aunt Beth. We sit still and quite for a few moments. I remove my contact lenses and store them neatly in my tiny purse. I'm wearing comfortable shoes, swooshie pants, and long sleeved t-shirt. Ready? Not sure. To be opened up delicately with almost invisible scars was the easy part. Hearing bad news when it was all over, the agonizing part. Finally my name is called and I meet with a nurse who helps me put on my heated hospital gown, start my IV, and sign consent forms. The ladies come in soon after I am dressed to give me a few more encouraging words before I'm wheeled away.
My nurses so calm and polite, not like I was used to when trying other hospitals. They all seemed to have my back. They encouraged me just as much as the family I chose to bring with me. The surgical nurse comes in, checks my IV, and announces it's time to go. Waiving goodbye to the ladies I'm whisked away down a long hall and into a room full of bright lights. I was told the anesthesiologist was a cutie by mom-in-law but without my eyes I couldn't tell. He loads me up with what seemed like too much general anesthesia. Don't even remember being asked to count. A few hours later I awake a little disoriented and curious. My nurse tells me I've been out for quite some time and asks me to sit up if possible. She informs me that my doctor has already spoken to the family and to me. I have no recollection of seeing him after my surgery was complete. Then, the bad news. No endometriosis. Surely this doctor will write me off as a nut case like all the others before him. Instead, to my delight, he has told my mother-in-law that he intends to get to the root of my problem and that he doesn't think the pain is in my head. Some of my symptoms, although not all, are attributed to my uterus resting on my colon. Unfortunately the ways of correcting this is worse than not correcting it. But, nonetheless I have one reason for one symptom of my agony. My gracious doctor prescribes pain medication. Relief at last.
I head home after refreshments of grahm crackers and apple juice. Aunt Beth helps me out of the car and up the icy steps of my in-laws home. I take a moment to mourn the thought of no escape for now. I try to lift my own spirits and remind myself that things could be much worse. They've found no cancer. What else could be so joyous? Cancer free, endometriosis free. I suppose these truths should satisfy me at least until I get to see doctor again. December 31st. Perhaps I will have good news to start the new year with? We will see. For now I endure the pain of my surgery as well as the original pain. One day at a time is too big a step for me. I try to enjoy any hour of pain free living. When my pain arrives again, I will strive to look forward to the few times the pain is gone and never give up on a source or treatment.
If you are reading this and feel led to pray for me, I could use all the ones I can get. Thanks.

Autumn's Two

I sit sometimes and listen to her play. I watch the curiosity in her eyes as she explores a fresh look at an old toy. I stare at her sweetly and smile when she sings songs to herself in the most out of key little toddler voice. I marvel at her mind and at her wit, her already sarcastic and sassy character on top of a loving and innocent little spirit. I giggle at her attempts to be "mommy" to her dolls and stuffed items, pointing and scolding, rocking them and loving them. I'm truly baffled at her increasing knowledge. She'll be two on Sunday. I can't believe how quickly time has passed and I'm certain college will be here long before I'm ready. I look forward to continue watching her grow and learn, but I am also content with today. I cherish all moments. Even during the wretched tantrums when I'm ready to pull out every strand of hair God has placed on my head, I'm simultaneously thinking about how each of these 'episodes' will make for a few laughs later on in her life. For now I move on from exciting fit to precious moments. I want so much to enjoy my little girl with the realization that we cannot get our pasts back. I want to continue my proud parent streak as each day passes by feeling as though I missed nothing and enjoyed every bit of her childhood. I want to make sure I appreciate the tender years the Lord has blessed me with. This amazing treasure, Autumn Noel, my gift from the Lord above, has brought me unmistakable delight. She has brought my life new meaning. She has brought meaning to life in general. I am so proud to have gone from Joyce, to "Autumn's Mom." My identity not taken away, but in fact given more definition. An extra chapter added to my story. The "happily ever after" portion. Happily ever after. That sounds nice.

There was a time I didn't think happy was in the stars for me. But in the last year alone I have found that happy is a choice. Change the things you can and accept what you cannot. Since the birth of my glorious child I have experienced loss, deep sadness, medical mysteries... But I have also experienced true joy, love, and answers to prayers that I have prayed for years. God himself has shown me what he is capable of. I hope that I can show these truths to my daughter. That she can grow up not blind or naive to pain, but aware of it and aware of her choices when faced with it. I'm refreshed in my spirit, in my soul. I'm excited for the days to come. Whatever they may be.

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